


Hate Me

by marsellia_rose



Series: Blue October [1]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Abandonment, Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2014-04-08
Packaged: 2018-01-18 17:09:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1436233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marsellia_rose/pseuds/marsellia_rose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enjolras left. He wasn't coming back. And Grantaire was just going to have to get over that fact.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hate Me

If you're sleeping are you dreaming  
If you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?  
I can't believe you actually picked me.

\-----------------------------------------------------

It was always too good to be true. Enjolras could never really love him. Why would he? It had only been a matter of time before Enjolras woke up and realized he deserved better. It was a fact Grantaire had always known. 

\----------------------------------------------------

”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.  
I was just calling to see how you were doing.  
You sounded really uptight last night.  
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.  
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,  
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.  
You know I love you, and...  
Take care honey  
I know you're under a lot of pressure.  
See ya. Bye bye”

\-----------------------------------------------------

“Hey ‘Taire, it’s Ponine. …um… I was just calling to see if you were okay…. it’s 2:33, Monday afternoon…. ‘Ferre said that you were upset last night, but you wouldn’t pick up your phone…he said you said you were okay, but I wanted to be sure…you are okay, right? You’re eating and sleeping…right? Not just painting those pictures? Okay…well…you know I care, right? We all do. Call me, kay ‘Taire? Okay. Bye…”

“Grantaire? It’s Combeferre. I just thought I should check up on you. You seemed upset last night…Eponine’s really worried…I’m worried…please call me back? Locking yourself in your apartment won’t do any good…..we all miss him, ‘Taire.” 

“Grantaire, its Courfeyrac. …we all miss you. You should stop by the café sometime…we’re all there- well, not all of us, but you know that…we still go there, even though Enjol- Hey Grantaire! [Scuffling and arguing in the background.] It’s Jehan. I figured you were sick of Courf’s rambling. Anyways, he’s right. We all miss you…call us sometimes, okay? Or stop by, or…just, don’t disappear.”

“Hey ‘Taire. It’s Feuilly. …you should come by sometime. I miss painting with you. Call me, kay?”

“….‘Taire? It’s Marius. Um….everyone misses you. You should call us or something…or stop by the café…or….okay, I’m just gonna go…..uhhh..call me, kay? Or not. But call someone. Okay. Bye..”

\-----------------------------------------------------

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head  
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed  
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone  
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home  
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain  
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?  
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?  
And will you never try to reach me?  
It is I that wanted space

\-----------------------------------------------------

He wished they would just stop calling him. They all reminded him of him. Apollo. And he needed to stop thinking about him….needed to stop drawing him….needed to stop.

Going to the café wouldn’t help. It’s where he first saw him. Seeing Combeferre didn’t help. Not that it stopped him. Maybe he was masochistic, but Grantaire felt like Combeferre was his last link to Enjolras; not that Enjolras ever called Combeferre. 

He didn’t call anyone. He just left.

Grantaire didn’t eat. He didn’t sleep. He just sat. And drew. And painted. And repeated. Perhaps it was the way Enjolras left. There was no goodbye. There was just the fight, and then he was gone. All Grantaire wanted was peace. He’d always known that Enjolras would leave him eventually. Enjolras was too good for him. He’d always been too good for him. 

But that didn’t stop him from wishing he could hear Enjolras tell him he loved him one last time. However, it was too late. Enjolras was gone. And never coming back. And Grantaire couldn’t help but wonder if it was something he did? Did he push Enjolras away? Had he said the wrong things?

All his friends told him no. That Enjolras left of his own accord. That it was only Enjolras.

But Grantaire still wondered. 

\-----------------------------------------------------

Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you  
Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

\-----------------------------------------------------

Grantaire was never good enough for Enjolras. He knew that. He drank too much, and had no future. He was a cynical pessimist. Enjolras needed someone who could believe in him.

And clearly, he finally realized that.

\-----------------------------------------------------

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with  
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again  
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night  
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight  
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate  
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take  
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind  
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

\-----------------------------------------------------

He didn’t drink anymore. After their last fight, when Enjolras walked out, he drunk himself into a stupor before pouring out every single one of his bottles into the sink. Combeferre and Eponine helped him get through the withdrawals.

And then he did drugs. But Combeferre caught him, flushed everything down the sink, made Bahorel go threaten anyone who would sell him anything, and made Eponine quit smoking; both normal cigarettes and marijuana. 

But he never drank again. It was what their last argument was about. It was why Enjolras left.

Enjolras always sat with him at night. He helped him with the nightmares, gently running his fingers through his hair. He made him be more positive, and didn’t let him hate himself.

But now Enjolras was gone. And all Grantaire had left was his hate for himself. Because Enjolras drove away. To god knows where. 

\-----------------------------------------------------

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave  
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made  
And like a baby boy I never was a man  
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand  
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”  
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be  
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

\-----------------------------------------------------

When Grantaire closed his eyes, he could see every mistake he’d ever made with Enjolras. And there were a lot of them. He always fucked up. Whether it was because he was drunk, or simply cynical, he didn’t know. But he did know that he always fucked up. 

He’d upset Enjolras. Whether it was with his drunkenness or his cynicalness or his disbelief, he didn’t know. But he always seriously upset Enjolras. So it was no surprise that Enjolras left, he supposed. He always looked so…..disappointed. 

\-----------------------------------------------------

Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you  
Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you  
For you  
For you  
For you

\-----------------------------------------------------

It wasn’t really a surprise that Enjolras left. He was too good for him. Grantaire almost wished that Enjolras would hate him. It would make everything easier. But instead, he would just have this disappointed look on his face. A look that wouldn’t be there if he could just hate him. 

However, it didn’t matter. Now Enjolras could find someone who was good for him.

\-----------------------------------------------------

If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,  
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.  
I can't believe you actually picked me


End file.
